I recently read a post called “Being True to Yourself” by Richard Paterson, in which he said, “When you are being true to yourself, you become a walking gift – an inspiration and example for everyone you come in contact with.” He shared a story about struggling with feelings of guilt when he left his daughter for a lengthy Buddhist retreat. The head monk told him, “What an amazing example you are setting – teaching her the importance of following your heart’s calling.”
Sometimes when you ask yourself, “What do I really want?” the answers may not align with the path you have spent years trucking along. It is both an expansive and panic-inspiring moment when you answer that question honestly and face the truth of it. This happened to me three years ago, as an unhappy marriage ended. Choosing to change gears and live a more authentic life has certainly impacted my children. While the transitions have been challenging, I can still feel the truth in the monk’s words. My friends and family members actually gave me similar advice as I began processing my choices, providing further encouragement to move forward.
I left a soul-numbing, anxiety-inducing job to pursue a career as a freelance writer, a personal dream since I earned an English/Creative Writing degree in college. I did this with the loving support and encouragement of Greg, my fiance (and best friend for the last 25 years). When I decided to move from North Carolina to California, I expected my two children would come with me (although I offered them a choice before going straight into custody battles). I imagined they would be with me during the school year and with their dad on breaks. I could visualize our lives together in California – full of love, adventure, and the freedom to spend true quality time together. Public school was a struggle for my daughter, and with my newfound free time, I expected to homeschool her. When I told the kids about my dream and my desire for them to come with me, my teenage son’s reaction floored me. Aiden said he was proud of me and thought it was awesome that I was pursuing my dream. But he decided he would rather stay in North Carolina with his dad, finish up high school with his friends, and spend breaks with us instead. I wasn’t completely surprised by his choice given his age. At first, Isabella wanted to come with us but then decided to stay with her brother. While I understood their choices, they were incredibly difficult for me to accept. My family and friends all told me to be patient, that in time Isabella would change her mind and be ready to make the move as well. I knew I was asking a lot of my children and completely understood they needed time to process the changes.
Unfortunately, expectations are a finicky mistress. External forces outside of my control thwarted the entire process. I suppose my controlling nature still tricks me into believing I have the power to shape outcomes to my satisfaction. I am only human after all and still have much work to do on letting go of what is outside my control. Isabella did change her mind, but when the dust settled after expensive custody battles, I was left with a different reality from what I expected. Isabella bravely went before the judge and told him she wanted to live with us. However, the conservative judge ruled against changing the temporary custody order, apparently believing that an unconventional lifestyle with homeschooling would not benefit Isabella. When I started this journey, I could never have fathomed this outcome.
Here is my current reality. The kids now spend spring, summer, and winter breaks with us in California. Greg and I recently purchased a new travel trailer and parked it on his uncle’s land in North Carolina (15 minutes from where the kids currently live). When the kids are not with us, we travel back and forth from California to North Carolina, staying in our new tiny home and spending 2-3 weeks at a time with them, as our schedule allows. I talk to the kids several times a day and support them with school work as much as possible.
On the hard days, when the longing for my children overwhelms me and I feel like half of myself, I think of the good that has come out of this struggle. My communication with Aiden has improved remarkably since I moved. In North Carolina, he generally just came out of his room long enough to forage in the kitchen. Now every day we have lengthy conversations about the details of his day. He calls to get my opinion or advice on this and that (not that he ever takes it – he is a teenager after all)! He confides in me in a way that warms my heart. While Isabella was with us last summer, I was able to experience being a mother full time (without the stress and worry of a 9 to 5 job weighing me down). I was able to show up for her in a way that was never possible before. I had the energy and brain space to fully engage with her, sparking her curiosity, and encouraging her creativity. I can also see the positive ways that Greg has impacted their lives. He listens to them and sees them for who they really are. He taught Aiden how to shave and how to rock climb. He taught Isabella how to swim and ride waves on the boogie board. They have come to trust and love him, just as I do, sometimes calling him just to talk or ask for an opinion.
Richard Paterson’s article also says, “Your true, authentic self will always seek expansion, aliveness, and creativity.” On the hardest of days, I remind myself that these lessons are indeed a gift I am giving to my children. I remain hopeful that this arrangement will soon be changed. Until then, I do the best I can to accept the emotions that come with it. That’s all any of us humans can do.
